Hello. My name is Mr. F Agin OBE and I am the new principal here at the Huxley Free Partnership Link Academy of Science. As you may know, since I took over the school last year I have turned around, single-handedly I am reticent to add, a failing school into a school that was judged (by my old friend from my economics society at Redbrick City University) to be Definitely a School that Could Potentially be Successful with Another Three Million of Private Funding. Obviously, we in the directorate are very pleased about this, but due to our focus on progressive mindsets and out-of-the-box, blue-sky, green-field, brown-cow-shit thinking we are forced to turn to ourselves and consider who we can fire to improve our own reputations.
At first we considered the ways in which we have streamlined the freecadamy over the last year and thought that the most cost-efficient way of pushing the school forward would simply be to repeat these measures but it wasn't long before our sub-committee on human resources realised that there are no support staff left to fire and we've run out of photocopiers to sell on eBay. So we had a conundrum. We formed an open forum group where an members of the school could talk and give ideas and some of these were even given a second thought, we even invited the black cleaner woman with the dodgy arm and let her have her say about washbuckets or whatever. Then, however, we came up with a great idea. We asked every member of the staff who earns more than 50k to write down their idea for what they thought the best thing the school could do in the journey to being outstanding. Totally anonymous except for the genetic accountability fingerprinting. And there it was. The head of Humanities, someone we thought lost from our cashmere fold had written down 'why don't you just get rid of the fucking kids this time, you may as well.' Now obviously they were swiftly removed due to their use of non-academy-approved language, but the idea stuck with us. So. There it is, we are to remove all the students from the school and we firmly believe we will be well on our way to Outstanding.
The benefits are almost ineffable: A new Starbucks franchise will serve hot drinks and food throughout the day without having to deal with all the grotty free school meals kids. We will be able to hire out the hall and other spaces all day, and whats more we can streamline our teaching staff to save a fortune on pay every month, while delivering lessons with exceptional behaviour management and paperwork accountibility. People will be clambering over each other to come to our school for a coffee. We are to be a model for a new generation of successful schools.
I hope you understand why this decision has been taken and you have my sincere hope that you find the required school place for your child when they are removed from the site with understandable police brutality on the most convenient date we can (May 10th). I apologise for any disruption this may cause but if you wish to raise any issues there will be a gala dinner in two weeks in the new-look multi-use dining centre. Tickets will be £200 a head for a three course dinner, wine and dancing with a celebrity memorabilia auction. I'm afraid I would be in attendance but i'm sure it will be a lovely evening.
My Fondest Regards,
Mr. F Agin OBE