Monday, 31 December 2012

50 shades of?

He slowly took of his shoes and plaid socks. It had been a hard day at work and he wiggled his toes in the warm air of the fire-lit lounge, the gaps between them, still slightly filled with plaid fluff drunk in the warm air of the lounge. He looked up as she walked into the lounge. The light from the kitchen door was blocked out by her diminuitive waistline and her buxom chest cast a long, sunsual shadow across the woodblock floor. As she walked toward him his lips just parted. He drew in a little breath. She still astounded him, there was always something fresh in the step of her little feet. Before that touch of a breath could form a real word she had placed a finger on his lips. Her eyes looked half-drunk in the low light but the flicker of the fire lit them up with a smouldering fire. She bent over and kissed him. Just a light kiss that left a ghost of itself on his parched lips. She whispered in a low voice that he didn't as much hear, but feel quiver in the bottom of his lungs.
'Shall we?' His response was immediate. 
'Not tonight love, I have to mark these controlled assesments.'

An excerpt from my upcoming novel 'Fifty Shades of Mr Grey, Second in English'

Saturday, 29 December 2012


Hey all,

I will apologise first for my lack of recent posts. I would blame marking if i ever did any. Unfortunately that is now coming back to haunt me and my bedroom is now even more off-putting to prospective members of the opposite sex due to the large boxes full of children's workbooks on my floor. However much I protest that i am actually a teacher they seem to think something weird is going on. It's probably the LEGO though.

I have made it through my first term of my first real job without it being heavily insinuated that I should find a new school. I even had some christmas cards from students, demonstrating two things to me; My students actually know who I am, and that they can't spell my name. In fact spelling is more of an issue than I had previously thought in my school. This was highlighted when a year ten that I teach genuinely believed that the plural of fish is Fishies. Now if you were to assume that this poor girl had become somewhat confused about the correct usage of the word fishes to describe a group of fish of different species then you would be wrong. Wrong? you ask, wrong? how can you judge this poor girl to be a liar? because the plural of sheep is sheep, and not sheepies as written, that is why.

Unfortunately for this poor girl I fundamentally believe that it is not her fault. She is in the squeezed middle between the expectation of education and the expectation of life. Students seem to have a massive amount of difficulty separating the lexicon of teacher-expected written English and the language they use to converse with their friends and, increasingly I believe, their parents and elders. Personally, although with no grounding in fact or research, I blame Nikki Minaj. There is nothing about her that i see as a positive role model for anyone, regardless of age, gender, social standing or species. She is, in my opinion, a foetid waste of flesh that is in an insult regardless of your religious or ideological beliefs. She is either an insult to any deity you believe in or a horrifying example of evolution gone horribly wrong. Perhaps she is a warning of how badly life on Earth could go.

See also Ke$ha.