Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Toilet Humour

Opening a new free school? Knocking down a perfectly functioning old school so a famous architect can have their wicked way with you site? Building a brand new sixth form centre? You can maximise work efficiency with the new OFSTED endorsed toilet from American Company G-Love.

We all know that teachers will find any opportunity to slack off and research has shown that some teachers spend up to an hour a week crying in the toilets. G-Love industries is pioneering the one-size-fits-every-school toilet cubicle that can just be hoisted into your failing academy to improve workrate and teacher acumen. Inside the cubicle teachers are provided with a desk that instantly appears when the teacher's overpampered buttocks hit toilet seat; A seat especially designed in partnership with representatives of countries who are proponents of violent torture to be as uncomfortable as possible. This desk provides the teacher with blank lesson plans, the satisfactory completion of which is the only way to access the required toilet paper.

In the very rare case that the teacher is up to date with their plans then the toilet will ensure that the teacher's failing subject knowledge is bought right up to date by video lectures from eminent celebrity quasi-intellectuals such as Jamie Oliver and that guy from that programme about animals.

In the rare event that a teacher is in the toilet for reasons other than purging their body of canteen food and low-grade instant coffee, say, for instance, crying themselves out of their nervous break-down then the comforting words of the man himself, the minister least sinister, the sensationalist educationalist, The man who puts the Fun in Fundamental skills teaching, Sir (nee Mister) Michael Gove will agitate them out of their emotional quandary. A number of speeches have been commissioned to ensure that he is always revolutionary and inspiring to the teacher, therefore ensuring staff morale continues to be at the highest it has ever been (fact not verified).

As an added extra, any school that rushes their order in without a second thought for the future will qualify for the special standards improvement upgrade that includes the catapult attachment to forcibly eject any teachers below the expected standard of outstanding from the building and out of the school grounds, hopefully into the kind of grotty and unsightly PRU that doesn't need good teachers anyway.

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

The Teacher's Code of Conduct

To be included in every new teacher pack.

1: Teaching is a noble profession and should be treated as such. Whatever should occur, the teacher should maintain the constant facade of calm indifference; this will help the students know their place.

2: Clothing should never match. Always aim to display at least three different prints using five different colours.

3: The teacher should never use the language of the heathen child. The constant use of outdated colloquialisms such as 'hip' or 'snazzy' is encouraged however.

4: The teacher should survive using only four liquids: tea, coffee, red wine and gin. If these are not available in a situation then the teacher should leave the situation in immediate pursuit of one of these.

5: The headteacher should never be trusted. They should be trusted less if they refer to themselves as a 'principal', 'lead educator', 'director' or anything else suitably abhorrent.

6: It must be held in regard that governors do not exist. They are a lie told to the teacher by senior management in order to endorse unpopular decisions.

7: The teacher must never take work home. To do this is a failure of the school to give them enough PPA time.

8:When the teacher leaves school they leave the expectations of the school behind. As they leave the institution they are obliged to immediately drink copiously, swear and display dubious tattoos prominently.

9: The teacher should never, under any circumstances, find themselves on the dancefloor of a nightclub co-frequented by students. If found in this situation steps should be taken to ensure the students are immediately ejected.

10: The lesson plan is a myth told to PGCE students and students. Teachers should, at all times, strive to perpetuate this myth by constant references to 'the plan' in lessons and carrying around reams of paper at all times.

11: The teacher will never generate their own resources. That is clearly the job of TES

12: The teacher shall never compromise, even in the face of Armageddon.