Wednesday, 1 May 2013

The Teacher's Code of Conduct

To be included in every new teacher pack.

1: Teaching is a noble profession and should be treated as such. Whatever should occur, the teacher should maintain the constant facade of calm indifference; this will help the students know their place.

2: Clothing should never match. Always aim to display at least three different prints using five different colours.

3: The teacher should never use the language of the heathen child. The constant use of outdated colloquialisms such as 'hip' or 'snazzy' is encouraged however.

4: The teacher should survive using only four liquids: tea, coffee, red wine and gin. If these are not available in a situation then the teacher should leave the situation in immediate pursuit of one of these.

5: The headteacher should never be trusted. They should be trusted less if they refer to themselves as a 'principal', 'lead educator', 'director' or anything else suitably abhorrent.

6: It must be held in regard that governors do not exist. They are a lie told to the teacher by senior management in order to endorse unpopular decisions.

7: The teacher must never take work home. To do this is a failure of the school to give them enough PPA time.

8:When the teacher leaves school they leave the expectations of the school behind. As they leave the institution they are obliged to immediately drink copiously, swear and display dubious tattoos prominently.

9: The teacher should never, under any circumstances, find themselves on the dancefloor of a nightclub co-frequented by students. If found in this situation steps should be taken to ensure the students are immediately ejected.

10: The lesson plan is a myth told to PGCE students and students. Teachers should, at all times, strive to perpetuate this myth by constant references to 'the plan' in lessons and carrying around reams of paper at all times.

11: The teacher will never generate their own resources. That is clearly the job of TES

12: The teacher shall never compromise, even in the face of Armageddon. 

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