Tuesday, 23 July 2013

A Message From The Chief Of Medicine.

It has come to the attention of the Ministry of Health and Education that the end of term is a stressful and potentially dangerous time for those in the Education Profession. To help you ease your transition from term time to holiday the MoHaE suggests you follow the following steps to gradually ease yourself out of teaching and into normal life.

For the first week it is recommended that you awake at the normal hour, and go through the normal routine of having a cup of tea, then checking your emails, then another tea, then a coffee, then a period of gossip and then a briefing. There is a selection of 'token' head teacher's briefing's available on our website for you to use for the week. There is a choice between male and female orator and a variety of vacuous faux-inspirational messages to convince you that, while you may be at home in bed, you are still on the road to being outstanding. These include notices about school trips and plays, notices of new staff joining in September and, for academy staff, notice of a financial restructuring that will suspend all pay rises until the end of time.

If, during the first week, you find yourself overly grouchy and in need of a vent for this repressed emotion it is recommended that you use public transport to travel to the nearest 'trendy' shopping area. It is almost guaranteed that you will find yourself in a situation where it will be socially beneficial for you to 'let rip' on a number of belligerent youths, some of which you may even know. If this still doesn't work then use the public transport to travel to a theme park where you will be able to appoint yourself 'guardian of the queues' and vehemently control the multitude of smoking, swearing youths with no respect for the fine English tradition of quietly standing in line while muttering dissidence. It is important for your self-esteem as a teaching that at least one youth wants to kill you on a daily basis. Without this you may have a potentially dangerous psychological episode.

If these minor interventions do not assist your transition then you will have to resort to living in a constructed fallacy. The easiest way to do this is to have children of your own and run enforced summer schools with them. To enforce the feeling of still being in a school it is recommended that you forget your children's names on a regular basis and apply ridiculous summations based on fabricated data. (if you are unsure how do this then write a selection of numbers from one to eight on eggs and try and juggle them. The last one left unbroken is your child's level. This is the current system used in educational establishments across the country.)

In the event that you are both a teacher and do not have children of your own. (although why this would be true I, along with all of society, cannot understand) then the former recommendation can be used with pets, especially cats and guinea pigs (who bear distinct similarities to students) or, at a push, a selection of boxed original star wars action figures.

These suggestions were brought to you by the Ministry of Health and Education in partnership with Amazon.co.uk, who, incidentally, own your life.
(your life is available for sale back to you on selected platforms including Kindle)

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