It's PGCE season, so in celebration here are the QTS standars that the tutors won't tell you about. Those things that you need to do before you realise you are a real teacher and not some shining, perfect, automaton.
Q11- Complain an SEN student is thick in the staffroom before realising why...
Q12- Make an inappropriate remark during child protection training.
Q13- Mark a student down because you don't like them.
Q17- Mark a student up because they bought you a nice bottle of wine for the last end of term.
Q18- Demonstrate an ability to fabricate a lesson on the spot.
Q19- Call a parent after a few too many.
Q21- Misspell a word on the whiteboard, then adamantly claim that you are correct, or claim that it was a test all along.
Q24- Make a teenage boy cry.
Q25- Write on an interactive whiteboard with a board marker, thereby ruining said whiteboard.
Q31- 'I'm Sorry, I lost your work.'
Q35- Use peer marking to avoid marking yourself.
Q45- Tell your friends a set of teaching anecdotes that they find neither as interesting nor as hilarious as you expect.
Q46- Be the subject of a student's sexual infatuation
Q51-Stay up so late planning lessons that your lessons the next day are crap.
Q52- Teach still drunk the next morning and achieve a stunning observation report.
Q53- Teach a book you've never read.
Q54- Whine about a student until you realise their parent is an LSA
Q56- Use a printout of students' pictures in a parents evening to identify who their children are.
Q57- Be called Mum/Dad by a student.
Q59- Show your age.
Q64- Tell a long-winded story about your own life to a pupil, realising half way through that the ending is horrendously inappropriate.
Q67- Indicate a student should answer a question by pointing at them, purely because you can't pronounce their name.
Q69- Bitch about a co-worker until you realise they are standing in the door.
Q73- Mask a hangover with silent reading.
Q74- Dream about teaching.
Q77- Get smashed while marking, then look at the unintelligible comments the next morning.
Q78- Try and claim to a class that you didn't in fact swear; that thirty children misheard you.
Q79- Complain about paperwork for so long that you do no paperwork.
Q83- Witness a colleagues nervous breakdown
Q84- Witness your own nervous breakdown.
Q89- Confuse identical twins.
Q90- Be appalled by students' clothing.
Q91- Ignore a student's question on purpose because you don't know the answer
Q93- Display your personal emails on a whiteboard.
Q99- Fake every possible signature in an assessment file.
Thanks to a number of unnamed helpers who, if reading this, will know instantly who they are.