So You Think You Are A Teacher?

I think most people who have read this blog at any point will have read my post about the real things you learn as a PCSE student. If not take a minute to go here:

Hi, good to have you back. For those else of you, thank you for being patient. So here is the natural sequel to the PGCE guidelines. With the changing of the teaching standards I understand that some of you (Particularly the NQTs in the audience) may well not have met these criteria yet. The early publication of these essential guidelines is intended to give you time to address this as well as possible in the coming months. Remember NQTs, you may risk failing to achieve teacher status if your mentor cannot confirm you have met these standards.

The Standards below are in line with the achievements of a large group of NQTs and cannot be taken as the sole experiences of C Teacher. Thank you to all involved. 

Part One: Teaching

1: Forget what day of the week it is and try and teach the wrong class in the wrong classroom
2: Start a lesson with 'Tell me what we did last lesson?' to cover up that you have forgotten who the class are.
3: 'Tell me what has happened in the book so far?' While thinking 'I should really read it.'
4: Teach from wikipedia as if they are your own ideas.
5: Planning is a lie.
6: 'Controlled assessment grades? What controlled assessment?' 'Oh FUCK!'
7: Teach the wrong spec.
8: Question, halfway through a double lesson, whether you are hungover or still drunk. Feel unable to give yourself a conclusive answer.
9: Fake being angry at a class so that you can walk out dramatically as if refusing to teach them, all the while masking you real intention of getting a cup of tea/coffee/going to the loo/having a little cry.

Part Two: Professional and Personal Conduct

1: Get given a responsibility far above your skill level and have to meekly tell your line manager that you need help.
2: Make up a set of reports to make up for a lack of marking. Then have to make up the next set of reports for the same class, remarkedly showing even progress across the entire class.
3: Consider leaving the school because none of the other teacher fulfill your high standards (of looks.)
4: Tell new PGCE students stories beginning with the words: 'When I was a PGCE student...'
5: Ask a child at parents evening, in front of their parents, 'Are you sure you're in my class?' and they answer 'Yes.'
6: On your first day of work ask for directions then, when finding out the person is going to the same school as you, offer them as lift. As a reply to the question 'What do you teach?' receive the answer 'I'm in the sixth form.' Grind out the remaining journey in awkward silence.
7:  Have to apologise for calling the head teacher the wrong name in briefing in front of the whole staff.
8: Virilantly claim your QTS certificate has never arrived, causing a furore including a number of members of senior leadership, before finding it in the mess of rubbish under your bed. Then claim it had only just arrived. Lousy Teachers' agency....
9: Have to be taken aside and told to soften your approach because a year 7 now cried at the very mention of your name.
10: Be hit on by a number of older women/men at the staff party. Feel disgusted.
11: Having students teach you how to evade the internet controls.
12: Pray, incesently, for a snow day. 

When addressing these standards, please consider documenting any additional standards you feel you have met and send these to @calamityteacher