So You Wanna Be A Teacher

It's PGCE season, so in celebration here are the QTS standars that the tutors won't tell you about. Those things that you need to do before you realise you are a real teacher and not some shining, perfect, automaton.

Q11- Complain an SEN student is thick in the staffroom before realising why...

Q12- Make an inappropriate remark during child protection training.

Q13- Mark a student down because you don't like them.

Q17- Mark a student up because they bought you a nice bottle of wine for the last end of term.

Q18- Demonstrate an ability to fabricate a lesson on the spot.

Q19- Call a parent after a few too many.

Q21- Misspell a word on the whiteboard, then adamantly claim that you are correct, or claim that it was a test all along.

Q24- Make a teenage boy cry.

Q25- Write on an interactive whiteboard with a board marker, thereby ruining said whiteboard.

Q31- 'I'm Sorry, I lost your work.'

Q35- Use peer marking to avoid marking yourself.

Q45- Tell your friends a set of teaching anecdotes that they find neither as interesting nor as hilarious as you expect.

Q46- Be the subject of a student's sexual infatuation

Q51-Stay up so late planning lessons that your lessons the next day are crap.

Q52- Teach still drunk the next morning and achieve a stunning observation report.

Q53- Teach a book you've never read.

Q54- Whine about a student until you realise their parent is an LSA

Q56- Use a printout of students' pictures in a parents evening to identify who their children are.

Q57- Be called Mum/Dad by a student.

Q59- Show your age.

Q64- Tell a long-winded story about your own life to a pupil, realising half way through that the ending is horrendously inappropriate.

Q67- Indicate a student should answer a question by pointing at them, purely because you can't pronounce their name.

Q69- Bitch about a co-worker until you realise they are standing in the door.

Q73- Mask a hangover with silent reading.

Q74- Dream about teaching.

Q77- Get smashed while marking, then look at the unintelligible comments the next morning.

Q78- Try and claim to a class that you didn't in fact swear; that thirty children misheard you.

Q79- Complain about paperwork for so long that you do no paperwork.

Q83- Witness a colleagues nervous breakdown

Q84- Witness your own nervous breakdown.

Q89- Confuse identical twins.

Q90- Be appalled by students' clothing.

Q91- Ignore a student's question on purpose because you don't know the answer

Q93- Display your personal emails on a whiteboard.

Q99- Fake every possible signature in an assessment file.

Q100- GIN

Thanks to a number of unnamed helpers who, if reading this, will know instantly who they are.